I’ll never forget the day Matthew Shepard died. I was living in small town Pennsylvania and only out of the closet three days when it happened. In those three days, my girlfriend and I broke up, my best friend since second grade stopped talking with me and I cried myself to sleep every night thinking that God hated me. I was a devout Catholic who knew he was going to Hell. Not because of what Leviticus said but rather what Our Lady of Fatima said, “More souls go to Hell because of the sins of the flesh than for any other reason.” I was terrified.

When I saw the news that a boy close to my age was brutally attacked and left for dead like a scarecrow in Laramie, Wyoming, I was in a very dark place at one of the lowest points in my life. In the two weeks that followed, I told my parents that I was bisexual and slowly began to tell my friends the same. I was in denial about being gay. While most were supportive, I remember vividly that one of them slapped me in the face… hard. She explained that the slap wasn’t for lying to her or to myself but rather for thinking that she would treat me differently. She wondered how I could think so little of her. The next week, I went on to become Class President at my small Catholic college – a post I held all four years.

Matthew Shepard’s death hit home to me in a very intimate way because only four years prior, a 16 year-old with whom I shared many friends was beaten to death on the steps of a nearby church in Philadelphia. His name was Eddie Polec. While I didn’t know Polec, the whole neighborhood was impacted by the brutality of his death and although Polec was not gay, his death was just as brutal as Shepard’s. Given how many common friends I had with Polec, it really hit home when I heard about Shepard’s death. I remember thinking “that could have been me” and for the next three years of my collegiate life, every time I would pass the wooden fence on the road that led in/out of campus, I was reminded of how lucky I am that it wasn’t.

Shepard’s death not only helped me realize the need for equality but it also helped me realize that there is a big difference between equality and tolerance. In many ways, he was a martyr for my generation. His death ignited a fire in me that never went out. Because of him I had the courage to pledge sorority at my college when I found out that fraternities were banned from campus to make a point that men deserve equality too. I gave up my Catholic faith when I found out that the local seminary would not allow gay men to study there even if they were celibate. I also became heavily involved with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and worked with them for five years to help increase the level of student activism in the state of Pennsylvania.

I share this personal story with you because every year this anniversary reminds me of the importance of fighting for equal rights and asking our straight allies to do the same. There are more people out there who support us than we realize. Hudson Taylor, Lady Gaga, Ben Cohen, not to mention all those people in the “New Yorkers for Marriage Equality” and “It Gets Better” campaigns are all great examples of this. However, one straight ally that bears mention today is Judy Shepard.

Judy Shepard, Matthew’s mother, took her pain and used it to become a crusader for equality. Due to her courage and dedication to the cause, the 1969 federal hate-crime law was extended to include crimes motivated by a victim’s actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability. Through my involvement with HRC, I had the pleasure of meeting Judy Shepard at a training in DC. Soft spoken and eloquent, she is the embodiment of what St. Francis de Sales meant when he said, “There is nothing so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as real strength.”

Today is the 13th anniversary of Matthew Shepard’s death. I urge you to share your coming out stories with your friends and straight allies, teach them about the antiquated laws, bear witness on your Facebook and Twitter statuses, and above all hold faith in the fact that full equality will be realized someday. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen and when it does it will be due to the hard work of those, like Judy Shepard, who continue to fight. To her and all our straight allies in the fight for equality, I want to extend my sincerest gratitude and ask that you never give up and never stop fighting. I know I won’t.

Style. A distinctive or characteristic mode of action. Whether it be a wardrobe choice, walking with grace or a basic eye for design, it is something that should be important to all of us because it affects how we are perceived in both our work and personal lives.

Style is more than just dressing smartly. It is a way of carrying yourself so that when people think of you, they think of elegance and grace. When people think of grace, they usually think of cultural icons like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. They forget that men can be graceful too.

Think about Fred Astaire. He wasn’t someone who was particularly handsome but he is remembered and revered because of his natural grace. He dressed smartly in tailored suits and his trademark fedora. He walked with confidence, as opposed to arrogance, and carried himself in such a way that people wanted to know him, they wanted to be him.

While Astaire was always well dressed, he also made bold fashion choices at the time, such as substituting a brightly colored tie for a belt.  His fashion choices were timeless and fashion forward. He dressed elegantly in a time when men were expected to dress well, look clean and altogether polished.

One of the most important things needed to maintain a sense of grace is to be well mannered, kind and sincere. It is a real art to maintain your manners at all times, especially under duress. We all slip up at times and might lose our cool. However, it is important to keep practicing and trying so that we can be polite without thinking twice about it. In moments of difficulty, try to put on the façade of being collected and wait to lose your cool until you are alone. If you need to excuse yourself from the situation and go into the bathroom to calm down, do so. In a time where your job performance takes precedence over being well mannered, your manners will make you stand out. Trust me.  Besides, who says you can’t get results while maintaining an aura of grace and self confidence?

That said, what can we learn from Fred…?

1)      Everything must appear effortless. If you wear a suit every day, you should look nearly as comfortable as you would in a T shirt and jeans. If suits are too formal for your personal style, make sure your clothes are tailored to fit you perfectly. Your focus should be on looking polished, not just trendy.

2)      Be willing to take risks. While this concept is often associated with Astaire’s fashion choices, I believe it is a great mantra to follow in everyday life. If you risk nothing, you risk even more because you will never know what could have been if you had followed your heart instead of taking the “safe” road. Fortune favors the bold so use that to your advantage.

3)      Find a signature accessory that people can associate with you. Be it a fedora, your shoes, your watch, your tie or your belt. Find something that symbolizes your individuality and personality and incorporate it into your wardrobe so that people begin to expect you to wear it while at the same time, it still catches their eye and forces them to look twice whenever they see it.

4)      Own the way you look. Look, we all have insecurities and things that we don’t particularly like about ourselves – be it in our physicality or personality.  There are only two ways to deal with this, either you can own it or change it. Don’t let your fears diminish your sense of self or your confidence. By owning how you look, your self confidence will increase and confidence is a look that will never go out of style.

Walker’s portrait of 21st century marriage will, depending on where you start, cheer or horrify you.  The ruling says:

“Marriage in the United States has always been a civil matter. Civil authorities may permit religious leaders to solemnize marriages but not to determine who may enter or leave a civil marriage. Religious leaders may determine independently whether to recognize a civil marriage or divorce but that recognition or lack thereof has no effect on the relationship under state law.”

He continues, “Proposition 8 does not affect the First Amendment rights of those opposed to marriage for same-sex couples. Prior to Proposition 8, no religious group was required to recognize marriage for same-sex couples.”

He explains affording same-sex couples the opportunity to obtain the designation of marriage will not impinge upon the religious freedom of any religious organization, official, or any other person; no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs.

Walker examines about how several major religious groups — Catholics, Mormons, conservative evangelicals such as the South Baptist Convention, Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod — condemn either homosexual identity or behavior or both, citing documents from the Vatican to denominational resolutions.

But he spells out in all capital letters in the decision:

A PRIVATE MORAL VIEW THAT SAME-SEX COUPLES ARE INFERIOR TO OPPOSITE-SEX COUPLES IS NOT A PROPER BASIS FOR LEGISLATION…

California’s obligation is to treat its citizens equally, not to “mandate [its] own moral code.”

Much of this was taken from a USA Today article but it really summarizes the issue well. Gay marriage is a civil right and like heterosexual marriages, it is a legal contract. It should be recognized as such…and in time, I believe it will.

Family is something that we all take for granted at one time or another. I love mine immensely and while I never really considered myself to be from a close family, this weekend proved that I was wrong. My family and I can discuss anything. Sure, we will judge and poke fun at each other but it is all done out of love.

Family dynamics can take a lot out of us and be draining at times. Whether it is dealing with a parent who disapproves of your choices in life, watching an uncle as he fights cancer, a cousin who is always getting into trouble, or a sibling you are trying to build a relationship with, we all have to step outside our comfort zones to be there for our loved ones because love means being there when you are needed. With my family, love is unconditional but, at the same time, you only get what you give.

As I reminisce about the past weekend and the love that I felt, I realize that I need to tell my family that I love them more often I already do. I urge each of you to do the same.

When marriage was legalized in California, I was living in West Hollywood and walked over to City Hall to have a look at the line of people waiting to be married there. I was awestruck by the outpouring of love that was witnessed there that day.  It gave me hope for the first time that I may someday have a family with kids and that white picket fence that we all long for deep down.

This hope stirred something in me that made me want to go out there and try dating again for the first time in 7 years.  There is only so much heartbreak that each of us are able to handle.  After three unsuccessful relationships, my heart had enough. I hunkered down and focused on my work, friends and family. I had lost hope that having a family of my own would ever be in my future.  This is why when I witnessed so many couples stand in line to get married that day, my whole worldview had changed.

Marriage is a tricky topic because it means different things to different people. For most, it reminds them of a spiritual covenant that they have with their God. However, in the United States, marriage is also a legal contract that recognizes said couple as a family allowing you to visit your spouse in the hospital, file joint tax returns, granting power of attorney, etc., but because of its spiritual connotations people are scared to allow gay marriage to be legalized because it makes them challenge their deep rooted belief in what marriage is.

I have had a few family members tell me that they don’t believe in legalizing gay marriage because of their Catholic roots. These same family members have not been to Church in many years, don’t wear any jewelry depicting a cross or another religious symbol, and don’t even mind when people have children out of wedlock. Yet, they don’t believe that I should have the right to marry because the Church forbids it?  That is a hypocritical fallacy.

They hide behind the illusion that civil unions are OK and cannot understand why we should be included in the right to marry. What they fail to realize is that civil unions makes us second class citizens. It presupposes that heterosexual unions are more valid than homosexual ones. Not only is this not true but it violates our right to pursue happiness. People came to America to escape religious persecution yet here we are persecuting based on religious concepts little over 200 years later.

I want to have a family. I have always wanted it. However, it is especially tough to do in the gay world. I have a limited dating pool in which to find a mate. Once I do, not only will it be illegal for us to marry but we have to go through an expensive process to have kids since surrogacy and adoption will be our only options. We have to fight for the right to have a family every step of the way.  Even if we overcome the financial obstacle and decide to adopt, some states will not allow “couples who are co-habitating in a relationship that is not a legally binding and valid marriage” thereby making it impossible for us to do it jointly.

For the last 11 years, I have been fighting for my right to marry, my right to adopt, my right to equal healthcare, my right to give blood and many other civil rights most people take for granted. I know I did before I realized I was gay. As I get older, I must admit I am growing weary. I am tired of fighting yet I know that if I give up, I will never have the family I so desperately want. While I recognize that if it doesn’t happen in the next ten years or so, I will have become too old to really enjoy fatherhood, it doesn’t mean I can give up the fight because if I do, it will rob the next generation of these same rights and why shouldn’t their love be recognized?

This is why I fight. I fight for equality but more importantly, I fight for love. I fight for the chance to love my spouse openly and freely.

Today’s verdict on Proposition 8 will be a watershed moment in the marriage fight because if upheld, it would legalize marriage in California – the sixth largest economy in the world. As marriage equality gains momentum in other states, it will force the Supreme Court to make a decision on the federal level. Given that the Supreme Court is currently leaning conservative, there is a strong chance that even then we will be denied our shot of equality but one never knows.

Until then, I will remain strong and hopeful. I will continue to date and fight for the children I hope to one day have. I do believe that justice always prevails in the end. Today, its San Francisco’s decision. (For a great primer on Prop. 8, see Chris Geidner’s article in MetroWeekly.)

Recently, I was talking to my friend, Bronson, and he was telling me about his experience with “Billy.”  However, it isn’t the same Billy that I mentioned above but there are many similarities.  Bronson’s Billy is known as Lovesick Billy (which is also the name of his blog.)  Bronson explained that Lovesick Billy is within us all.  He is the part of us that fights us when we get insecure, that encourages us to channel our inner-Rocky, and continue to fight even when all bets are against us. He is the part of us that remains idealistic and hopeful even when all seems lost and we have no idea of what to do next.

At some point in our lives, we are all Lovesick Billy. At some point, we all want “more” even though we may not yet have defined what more is.  This part in me has strengthened over the years due to constant moves from Philly to London to Allentown to Philly to Prague to New York to Los Angeles and then finally landing in West Hollywood – the first place I felt “at home” in a long time.  I am good friends with Lovesick Billy because I understand him all too well.

I joke with Bronson by telling him that Lovesick Billy is my inner-cowboy since Bronson is pretty good at wrangling a goat.  He simply replies, “you should do the rodeo with us. You’ll like it.”   I just laugh and think “yeah, right.”  I mean, a cowboy from Philly?  That is like imagining Will Smith singing opera or Sylvester Stallone filling in for Queen Latifah in Chicago. It just seems absurd.

In college, I was called Tiger because of my bleached blond hair and my ability pursue the things that I wanted passionately without regard to what others thought of me.  This earned me the respect of many and my classmates were proud to know me.  I lost this nickname years later when I moved to New York City because I wanted to learn how to be more corporate…more “MBA” and I remember how humiliated I was when the President of my university introduced me to the President of JustBorn Candies (the guys who make Peeps) as Tiger then purred at me.

In New York, I became more comfortable with who I am.  I may have martyred Tiger but like Aslan of Narnia fame, he would rise again.  You see, Tiger is the Lovesick Billy within me.  He is the part of me who doesn’t care what others think and encourages me to be the best damn person I can be.  He is my inner-cowboy waiting to be resurrected.

Life on the Left Coast wasn’t always easy but I chose to make it work because I have good friends there and found happiness within.  Things may not always go the way I want and I had to relocate back to Philly. And yes, while out there I may have been blue and homesick from time to time but those feelings are natural when you love your family yet live a country away from them. However, moving to Southern California reminded me that as long as I keep my eyes on the prize, I will always attain it.

I know I don’t have it all together yet but also know that if we all are honest with ourselves, we will come to the realization that none of us will really ever have it together. As I reconnect with the Tiger within, I realize that I am getting it together and for now that’s enough.

Wherever Billy is, I wish him well and hope that he has found his inner-Tiger as well.

This month marks the six month anniversary of his death and I still find myself thinking of him almost every day. Norman was a special man in that he walked tall with integrity and didn’t care what other people thought about him. As a gay man and devout Catholic, Norman was, in many ways, a walking contradiction. He was very proud of his Catholic identity in a time where Catholic doctrine condemned those who were not heterosexual along with those whose gender identity did not conform with society’s preconceived definition of what a man or woman should be. When I asked how he reconciled being a devout Catholic and an openly gay man, he nonchalantly replied, “Who cares?” and continued to explain how they were both part of his identity and it shouldn’t matter to anyone else.

Norman was a close friend of mine despite our 25+ year age difference. He would share his wisdom with me every chance he could. The last time I saw Norman, he called me up on a Saturday morning in July 2009 and said, “Kevin, I want to do a day trip to Ocean City, NJ and you’re going with me. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” he asn’t asking me. He was telling me. Luckily, I didn’t have any plans that day.

In the car ride, we caught each other up on what was going on with our lives and offered each other advice on the boys we were dating or were interested in. Norman always had a way of making me feel special and letting me know that I shouldn’t take any shit from anyone because I was worth more than that — something that I am still trying to accept in myself.

When we got to the beach, I bought us both beach tags for the day and we went to sit on the crowded beach. He laughed as I used my Blackberry to check out boys. He chuckled at me and said, “You are too much. haha”. After about 2 hours on the beach in the 90+ degree weather, we decided it was too hot and went to walk the boardwalk. Our first stop was Shriver’s Salt Water Taffy and Fudge. As we entered, Norman told me how his father used to take him there as a boy. He bought salt water taffy and I bought fudge.

After walking the boardwalk for about an hour and a half, we started to get hungry. While the funnel cakes sold on the Boardwalk made my mouth water, he insisted that we got something a little more substantial. I agreed. We went cruising for the best seafood shop around and since we were both tired, we wanted somewhere that wasn’t overly crowded as well. He settled on Spadafora’s seafood on the corner of 9th and Atlantic. We were pleasantly surprised.

After we ordered, we commented on how adorable our waitress was and he asked personal questions about her life. She was glad to tell him what her future plans were as I sat and watched them interact. After she took our order, Norman said, “Oh, she is just adorable.” I agreed. He then asked if we could dine family style since everything sounded so good to us both. I agreed again. The food was AMAZING! We both rolled out of there with full tummies.

Before we left, I picked up a magnet from Spadafora’s so that I could remember the day. It was the best time I had since I moved back to Philly six months prior.  On the way home, I told Norman that I was still having trouble adjusting to Philly. He said something to the effect of “do what you have to do then move.” I could always count on Norman to be upfront and not mince words.

Norman was someone who got me and one of the few people whose advice I would listen to because I always knew he would be honest with me and smack me when I needed to me smacked. When I found out he had passed away, I was heartbroken. I never received a phone call or email as everyone just assumed that someone else told me then on my way to work one day, I picked up a copy of the Philadelphia Gay News and saw his photo. As I began to read it, I realized it was an obituary. My jaw dropped. After reading the obit, I started to cry. I don’t cry often and especially not in public. I just didn’t know what else to do.

I learned things that I never knew about Norman while reading it. For example, he was arrested at a 1992 protest in Harrisburg for pouring red dye into the Capitol fountain. Norman didn’t share much about his past with me because he preferred to focus on the present. He was a good man, a passionate advocate and a close friend.

To honor his memory, I wrote a short piece about him for phillygaycalendar.com and a friend agreed to write an obit for him in POZ magazine. The latter brought a smile to my face at a time when I was stricken with grief.

The road in life is full of many wonderful surprises. For me, Norman Baker was one of those surprises. I still think of him several times a week and smile as my eyes begin to water. While his death was tough for me to accept, I am glad that I had that one last day with him. When I think of Norman, I will think of our trip to Ocean City and how he always used to piss me off and make me smile at the same time. I saw a lot of myself in him and will remember him fondly. The world needs more Norman Bakers and I feel lucky to have met this one. He was an original and could never be replaced.

Cold Case Files is a cop drama that is based on real-life stories from the Philadelphia Police Department.  Having grown up in Philadelphia with one uncle as a cop and another as a judge, there is something about this show that hits too close to home.  Yet, I still watch it whenever I can.

I remember, years ago, I was watching Cold Case while waiting for a date with a cute guy who was driving down from NYC and it really disturbed me.   After we went skydiving, the next day we went on a gay booze cruise in Philadelphia.  It was a blast!   However, I wasn’t myself that night due to this show.   The episode focused on the 1964 death of Danny Holtz, a baseball player on the University of Pennsylvania’s team.

To this day, I am unable to watch this episode without crying.  It initially aired on November 16, 2003 and I’ve thought of it many times since then.  In 1964, a time before it was considered “safe” to be out, Danny openly loved Hank, his closeted law student boyfriend.  Danny’s mother suspected he might be gay when she saw Hank coming out of Danny’s apartment in 1964 but chose to deny it and dote over his “girlfriend”.

One night during a police raid of “The Hush Room” — the gay bar in Queen Village — that Danny frequented, Danny ran out the back door of the bar and disappeared.  Shortly thereafter Danny’s body was found in the alley and what was deened as a random murder in 1964 was discovered to be a hate crime in the present day.

This episode touches me for a few reasons:

1) I used to live in Queen Village and couldn’t imagine something like this happening there.

2) Both Danny and Hank were students at the University of Pennsylvania. Not only do I work at Penn but I am also a night student here as well.

3) Watching it prior to going out with someone I liked caused it to hit a nerve especially hard as it was occuring not long after my parents and I got into an argument about whether or not I could bring my boyfriend to a family wedding.

The truth is any number of us could have been Danny. He did the things that “normal” guys do.  He played baseball, excelled in school, had a beautiful girlfriend and came from a good family.  His only perceived flaw was that he was a homosexual.  The amazing thing about Danny’s life was the strength of his mother.  While she found it difficult to come to terms with Danny’s sexuality in 1964, after his death she was heartbroken and understandly so.

In the beginning of the episode, we learn that Danny’s mother was dying and she asked the police to reopen the case because she needed to know what happened to him before she passed away. She suspected that his case was swept under the rug in 1964 and as we eventually find out, she was right.  In the show, they eventually catch the killer as they are able to reenact the night of the murder after extensively interviewing those who knew Danny.  While it is painful to watch, its nice to be able to see how far we have come as a society.  Sure, we still have a long way to go but slow and steady wins the race.

For a long while, I had a quote attributed to John F. Kennedy that read, “once you say you’re going to settle for second, that’s what happens to you in life.”  It was, it is, my mantra.  I decided a few months ago to change my signature quote on a monthly basis so that I could play Dalia Lama to all those I know and spread the inspirational quotes to all those I encounter. (Gosh, when I type it out like that, I even annoy myself. lol)

After the JFK quote, I decided to go with a less formal quote from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure that read, “Be excellent to one another!”  It was fitting, I thought, because at that point I was running into a lot of people who were jerks and I thought my sig file might encourage people to be nicer or, at the very least, make those Gen. X-ers and some older Millenials get a nostalgic chuckle at my expense.

This month, September 2008, I reminded people of Abigail Van Buren’s (better known as Dear Abby) sage advice that read, “The less you talk, the more you are listened to.”   My rationale was that sometimes we find wisdom in the most unlikely places and when this quote popped up on my gmail, on a day where I felt totally uninspired, I thought it was some sort of cosmic sign telling me to shut up more.  So, I used it as a daily reminder.

It is now the end of the month and I have another tough decision to make…what should October’s quote be?

While I was mulling it over in the back of my head, I was entertaining a job offer with Los Angeles’ top public affairs firm.  The salary left a lot to be desired but, given the tough economic times, I thought of settling for less than I deserve.   Many of my friends thought it was a good idea but the idea grated me and every time I would go into an interview somewhere else I would be told, “We like you but you are overqualified.”

I almost caved to the pressure after the stock markets crashed and my Mom kept calling me frantically saying, “Kevin, I wish you’d reconsider this.  This is what the preview of the Great Depression was like.”  And while I realize that her parents had to live through the Great Depression and the World Wars, I refuse to believe that the situaton is as dire as it sounds.   When I was on the verge of giving up, someone close to me emailed me a note with the subject “Food for Thought.”  The message was a simple one-line quote…from JFK!  My signature file had made a difference as I had hoped.

That email gave me hope and made me realize that you should never settle when it comes to your dreams and reminded me that no matter how bleak the situation may seem, there is always someone who has it worse than you.

Today, the JFK quote has made a permanent return at the bottom of my email and who knows how much more inspiration his message might provide in the future.

Throughout my life, I was many things.  In high school, I was a Crusader.  In college, I was a centaur then a bulldog.  Now, in graduate school, I am an Explorer.  I was once told that “coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.”  If that maxim is true, then maybe all these mascots were omens from ones who have passed before us.  We all change throughout our lives and as we change we grow.  Sometimes we go forward on our path; sometimes we regress or go backward on the path.  Either way, life is about staying constant.

As I continue down the path that was meant for me, I realize when I look back that part of me is a crusader.  I am willing to fight with my life for those ideals and virtues which are close to my heart.  Part of me is a centaur.  Someone whom is interested in the humanities and observes over time the patterns of that which is around them.  Centaurs are known in the mythological realm as the most intelligent beings who have ever lived.  Part of me is a bulldog–when I want something with all my heart I go after it then chomp down and never let go until I get what I want. However, as I grow, I learn that I am also part explorer.  An explorer is one who journeys into parts unknown in order to complete his quest and to quench his thirst for knowledge.

Each of these mascots are more than symbolism to me.  They are part of who I am–part of my identity.  As I venture forward on my path, I have come to some stumbling blocks and I have a choice.  Do I stay there and figure out how to move forward or do I step back and wait for “AAA” to assist me?  I could tell you what course I would take but, truth be told, this answer is different for everyone.  Everyone of us has a past and if we don’t you are in the process of making one for yourself.  The decision you need to make is whether or not the way for you to go forward is by going back the way you came.